Like the title says, this journal is going to be about gender. My genders, to be exact. And also sex. Assume this journal to feature all of the NSFW and mature tags.
So, if you want no part in that, turn around and walk away buddy.
I suppose I could put this in a more "emotional rant"/"socio-political monologue" appropriate website, like tumblr or any type of blog websites, but I chose to put it here. The reasons being, if ever I decide to take it down, I would have more control over it here as opposed to tumblr, in which if ever it gets reblogged, I would no longer have any grasp over it. And I'm too lazy to open an account on another website. So I stick to dA, so if ever I decide to, I can delete it for good. (Or at least, as good as the internet will allow it to be.)
I'm taking advantage of the semi-anonymity I get on the internet to organize my thoughts. Consider this a "training essay" for when I'll finally muster up the courage to out myself to my friends and family. (unless they find this and recognize me. In that case, HEY GUYS! *waves* )
I could do it all in private, type it in a file and keep it to myself, but what would be the point in that? What's the point of monologuing, if you're monologuing only to yourself?
For those of you who are not yet aware, or did not bother to look at those tiny flags
on my deviant ID, I am a genderfluid, pansexual individual.
Meaning that I identify as male, female, or inbetween, depending of the day. Some times I would feel "manly", and behave as such, other times I would be the girliest person around. But most of the time, I limbo in that grey area of being neither. As far as sexual attraction goes, I can be attracted to manly men, feminine women, girly men, manly girls, transgender and transexual individuals.... in short, as long as you're human, and not too old or too young, you might interest me. To me, gender is not a factor of attraction. Physical appearance does play a part, yes, but it is not essential. You could be the hottest person on Earth, but if there is something about you that turns me off, like your character, beliefs or attitude, I won't look at you twice. (Basically don't be a bigoted racist asshole, and we'll get along.)
I, like many "typical" women out there, enjoy lavish clothing and accesories, being showered in material things, and long for a Prince(or Princess) Charming to swoop in and carry me off on his/her white steed.... but I also long to be the one doing the swooping, saving the damsel or damoiseau (male equivalent of "damsel" in French
) in distress and slaying the beast...
For a very, very long times those feelings were a source of extreme confusion to me. I do not hate being a girl, far from it, so why do long to be a boy?
It took me awhile to come to term with what was the "matter" with me, so let's start with the begining, shall we?
I was born a girl, and raised as such. I've always been a tomboy, but never were too "tomboy-ish" to be called as such by others since, along with my robots, my dinosaurs (on which I would paint "blood" with permanent red markers), my dragons, ninja turtles, monsters and other toys marketed for boys, I also enjoyed playing with barbie dolls, unicorns, fairy wings, and my Little Ponies (you know... back when they were big and plump, and not like now when they made them look like anorexic hound dogs... though they did make them look thicker now). So I was "girly" enough not to rouse "suspicion".
I can't imagine how this behavior would have been received if I was a boy... I'm guessing I would have been confronted with a more pronounced opposition.
I would put sparkly bows and ribbons on my monsters, and dress my ponies in armors made out of cloth and various wires I'd "borrow" from my dad's toolbox, and make them go to war against my barbies and their dinosaur army...
When I was playing with my friends, I'd always, always get the male roles. Half of the time I'd pick them, the rest of the time it was forced onto me, as I was "so good at it", according to my friends.
I loved playing video games with my cousins, or rather, watching my older cousins playing video games, as I was much younger, and a girl, so god forbid I touched their Turok, their Tekken and Legend of Zelda...
I do not remember much or my early teenagehood.
It was around that time that my brother died, and I did not know how to deal with my grief. I'm the kind of person that eat their sorrows away, and that's what I did. Add to this a genetic disposition to store the fat very easily, and I became very fat, very fast. At this time my body also started to mature, and I started to look more and more like a girl. Doing boyish things at that time were much less accepted by the kids around me, and they would constantly tease me about it. Being a tomboy, and a fat girl, I was the holy grail, the designated punchline of the bullies of my school.
This, of course, did not help my grieving, and did not help my gender identification. Of course I wanted to be a pretty girl, but I also wanted to be a boy. But this wasn't even a problem at the time. The thing I wanted most of all, was to be left alone.
I didn't have much sex drive until I was around 15, when I realized I had an attraction for both men and women. I later realized that I could be attracted to more than that, but at the time, I considered myself as "just" bi. At first I assumed it to be some sort a small jealousy, as me "wishing" to be more like the girls I was attracted to (and I was. Who wouldn't want to be hot like a super model or a movie star? as fake as it may look?) but I quickly realized it was more than that. I wasn't just attracted, I also fell in love, as I would fall in love with some of the boys I've met. Even if they weren't necessarily "pretty". I wanted to be with them just as much as I wanted to be with those boys.
At the time, this wasn't a big deal. I was raised in a tolerant, open-minded family, and being gay or bi was pretty accepted in society, so this realization wasn't too "traumatic". Actually, it was pretty smooth. I was like "oh, I'm bisexual. Neat." And that was it. My family doesn't know, but some of my closest friends do. Not everybody knows, though I'm guessing many have their suspicions. I did not declare it to the people around me, not for fear of meeting opposition or rejection, but rather because it was none of their business, and because it did not affect who I was. If I was asked, I would say "I'm bi", simple as that.
At 16, I got tired of being the "fat chick", and started loosing weight. And lo and behold! People (mostly boys)'s attitude changed towards me. Instead of insults, in came the catcalls. Though I would not call it a improvement.
Even though I was no longer the butt of the joke, it still felt very awkward and demeaning. Instead of being a piece of fat that people would be disgusted about, a was a piece of meat, that some would drool and lick their lips at. This... wasn't a nice feeling.
But even the most polite, well behaved compliment sometimes felt.... off. Even when they came from boys I also liked. I often wondered "well, I like this guy, and I really wouldn't mind sleeping with him... so why the hell doesn't this feel right, sometimes???". It was around that time the little things like opening a door for me, carrying stuff for me... just felt off. Those were nice gestures, of course, but why? And why did it feel wrong?
I attributed it to being bi ("girl power", and all that..), and having a tomboyish demeanor since forever. I mean, I've met lesbian and bi women that are much, much more feminine than I am, and enjoys those attentions. So that must have been it, right? Just me wanting to be a "strong, independant woman".
I was a girl. I boyish girl, but a girl still. In this day and age, girls are allowed to be boyish if they want. And boys to be girly is they wish to be. (though, to be honest, they would meet much more conflict and ridicule in those patriarchal societies).I was a girl and would feel offended if people would jokingly refer to me as a man. I was supposed to be offended.
So why, why did I still wish to be a man? Why did I keep drawing male and female version of the same character? Why did I have all those dreams, sometimes erotic, sometimes not, in which I was a man? I was no longer fat. I felt sexy. I had friends. So why wasn't I feeling right? Why wasn't I feeling right in my body?
I dismissed those thoughts as typical teenage thoughts, for I was a teenager and therefore never happy with whatever I had, and however I looked.
And it went on like that for years. All the dreams, the drawings, those awkward feelings that were awkward but only sometimes...
It was only when I met this one guy, that I realized my troubles were indeed quite deep.
We started by being friends, and overtime we fell in love. We found a place and started living together. He knew I was bi, all was good. On top of feeling desired, I felt loved. Yet something was still wrong with me.
It started with the behavior I would sometimes have during sex. (Dear god, this feels BEYOND awkward for me to just spill it out like that over the internet, but I feel I cannot properly explain how I came to realize I was genderfluid if I don't mention this... so, children, avert your eyes.) We all know men tend to be the active, "dominating" part in an intercourse (and I'm not talking about "dominating" as in a S&M context, we all know women are just as good as men in that context). Well, I too, had those pulsions at times. (I won't give you the details. I'm pretty sure you can imagine) It was not roleplay, or some sort of weird kink to me. To me, it felt natural. Like I was supposed to do this. Which felt just as natural as it felt frustrating, since I have no penis. Which was quite fortunate in this case, I might add. Since he was very straight. I felt more and more awkward in my body .
Around that time I would also look at my boyfriend's body, and on top of feeling desire, I would feel jealousy.
JEALOUSY.
I was jealous of my bf's body.
That's when the realization came crashing upon me.
All those dreams, those awkward feelings, those drawings. I wanted to be a man. I wanted to look, dress like, and be addressed to as a man.
Which was even more confusing, because I loved being a woman. I wanted to stay a woman. I wanted to keep looking, dressing like and being addressed to as a woman.
I knew there were such a thing as transgenders, and I wondered if I was one. Some days, I desperately longed to be a man, and other times, I was perfectly fine with the body I got. Some days, I would feel feminine and own it, other days, I felt like my body didn't finish developing, that I was missing something between my legs, that instead I had some strange, cumbersome protrusions on my chest and a weird hole between my legs.
I didn't know what to think.
I asked myself alot of questions, like, "am I crazy?" "Do I have some sort of weird identity disorder?"
My brother had schizophrenia. He would sometimes start yelling at people who weren't there, or have delusions of my family insulting or persecuting him. In the most violent episodes, he would throw pieces of furniture around, and had to be institutionalized. Though he was himself a sweet, gentle guy.
The idea of having something "wrong" with my brain terrifies me. But after alot of pondering, I can tell I am not suffering from an identity disorder. Whether I'm feeling manly or feminine, I do not feel like a "different person." I do not have a different personality, or different memories, things like that. Nobody in my whole life ever told me "why are you behaving that way? You seem like a different person, I don't recognize you". Not even my bf at the time, with whom I lived with for about 2 years. There is no "male Me" and "female Me", just me, with sometimes a female body, and other times a male body, though the male body is sorely missing.
I knew I wasn't "crazy". But still. What did it mean, then?
Did that mean I was a pervert, with sick fantasies about being a man?
Some people would tell you that, of course. If you are different than them, then of course you are sick and perverted.
But I knew this was bullshit anyway. And even if I was a pervert, I still wouldn't be hurting anybody. And it felt right. It felt right for me to be a girl. It felt right for me to be a man. What made it even more painful was that I wasn't able to be a man when I wanted to. I can't just morph back and forth into a man. I wish I could. All genderfluid people wish they could.
I remember that one time, when a girl I liked in highschool told me "you know, I wish you were a guy. If you were a guy I would date you right away." It made me feel incredibly sad at the time. And only now do I really know why.
Was I just being frustrated to be a woman in a patriarchal society, and wanted to be a man, just to make life easier?
While I do think there are alot of sexist bullshit happening in our societies (towards both women and men, I might add), I am not that frustrated about my conditions... so this wasn't it.
I got very depressed at that time. I was confused, distressed and frustrated in many ways. I didn't know if I wanted to stay a woman, or transition to a man.
I confided to my bf at the time, and he assured me he would support me in my decisions, whatever they may be. But he also told me that he wanted to live with a woman. Our relationship turned sour after awhile, and we broke up in mutual accord.
After that I had time to think about what I was, and what I wanted to be.
I settled on the notion of never being satisfied about what I am.
I cannot morph into a man at will. I cannot pass as a man, even if I tried (I have too much boobs, too much curves, and my face is too feminine.) I could still wear masculine clothes, but I wouldn't fool anybody. And I cannot transition to a man, as this would only "invert" the problem. I would then be a man, missing my female body.
I decided to just bury those feelings deep inside me, and kept on being what society expects me to be. A girl.
I would say "Miss", "female", and would train myself to still feel offended when I was called a guy.
For a while it worked. So I kept on keeping on, and focused solely on my studies.
That is until I came across Steam Powered Giraffe.
If you are watching me, chances are it's because of them, and the fanarts I made of them.
Those people saved my life. Not literally, as I am not suicidal and have not been since I was a teen. (oh yeah. I forgot to mention. I had suicidal tendencies between the age of 12 to 16. Almost attempted to several times. I would carry a pocket knife on me at all times during this period. I would jab it in my arm, belly and back, but stopped every time I drew blood. I did so until the time I realized I wanted to live, and that cutting myself wouldn't solve my problems). They saved my life in a more discreet, indirect way.
As you might already know, one of the band's member, Bunny Bennett, is transgender. Since I discovered them, I wandered within her blogs and vlogs, read her stories, listened to her testimonies. And it was like a blindfold was lifted off my eyes. Even though our stories were different, as she is a man currently transitioning to a woman, I still felt like she put words on those unknown feelings that were plaguing me for all those years. They were gnawing at me, slowly destroying me.
I decided to stop lying to myself, to stop pretending.
I looked more deeply into my "condition", and discovered that I wasn't alone. There were other people like me, who felt like men, women and neither or both, all at once. And there was even a word for it: Genderfluid.
I sat there and cried for a long while in front of my computer screen. I finally knew.
You might think that I would have come across that information alot sooner, but surprinsingly, I haven't. I honestly do not know why. I think it was because I was still afraid that, if I looked into it, I would discover that something was seriously wrong with me. That I had to be institutionalized, that I'd have to be popping pills for the rest of my life just to feel "right".
It was only after I discovered Bunny that I decided to make that step. And boy.... what a indescribable relief.
I owe her and her band more than just a few minutes of entertainment and some artistic inspiration. I owe them my sanity.
Because even if I buried those feelings inside me, they were still there. Desperately trying to get out. Begging me to let them out.
And now that they are, I feel at peace.
Of course, I still have that frustration of not being able to switch back and forth from woman to man at will, and never will.
And how do you expect have a healthy relationship with anybody, if half the time you're either jealous of them, or frustrated from not being able to express your sexuality with them.
I still do not know what will become of me. I do not know how I will deal with my genderfluidity.
Maybe someday I'll start dressing up as a man when I feel like it. Maybe I won't. Right now, I'm content in wearing clothes that are as gender neutral as possible.
Since I outed myself on deviantart some people asked me if I had any preferred pronouns I wished them to use. I don't. I honestly feel the whole notion of gender-neutral pronouns to be rather awkward. But I put this on the account of me being French. You see, in the French language, there is no "neutral" pronouns. There is no "it". Everything is either male or female. Even objects or animals. "Moon" is feminine, "sun" masculine, "boat" masculine, "car" feminine, etc... By default, something would still be masculine.
Of course, in English it is not acceptable to refer to someone as an "it". You use "it" for things and animals. Hence the creation of several gender neutral pronouns. As far as I'm concerned, you can use "he" or "she" all you like. As in my mind, you'd be just as equally right.
I must say, I feel I find more support and information about genderfluidity among the American population. There is little to no information in French about it. No French version of the definition of "genderqueer" on wikipedia. There isn't even a French word for "genderfluid". Transgender people would be more often referred to as "transexuals", whether or not they had surgery. But I believe that's because the word "sex" is French refers to both gender and sex. Hence the confusion. There is no "other" as an option when stating your gender on legal documents. And I really wish there was. (but at least they are not asking me about my race. That's a plus.)
Well...
Those were all my ramblings.
The collections of confused thoughts, gathered for over 20 years, and transcribed here in the most coherent way I could muster.
If you read it all up to this point, then... wow. Aren't you a trooper.
. Here goes: